blubber (not by judy blume)

so finally i don't give much of a shit about being fat.

i'm gonna get back down to a 6, i think; i'm already at 8 and it's not so bad, really. just being happy. again. like i was in 2004-2007. like, damn. happier; i'm actually not crying at all again. like, nothing, nothing, nothing. what happened with vin was real fucking cool...and at least...i know i''m not horribly ugly even though i messed myself up bad three separate times, then rapidly lost weight. i'm happy again.

it's not me being mad at darryl and fighting to be happy.

it's me so chill i AM a pill.

in third grade i remember falling off a ramp and scraping the heels of my hands halfway down to my elbows, man. that was a real bitch! i forget what i was doing but i think i hesitated mid-leap. these kids were adventurous; i read when alone. what a mess--and mom got there just then, drove up in her car, most likely the white pontiac with plush burgundy interior and no air conditioning. winter mornings were the best. sarcasm! at least it was tiny with four passengers.

anyway, feel it. my own answers. no fuckin' psycho. just a really fucking annoying misunderstanding and my fear. it's aw'gon'!

floyd, now dom and vin. god. there are guys who care. and darryl did believe in my intelligence. he flung information at me left and right just as i netted the higher sum and lowest standard!

he didn't believe that there was such a word as deadpan.

*deadpan*

*trill* the bird upon the bough that never breaks

vin, i'm hoping i see you on the other side.

thank you, Village Voice! ...but i'm still devoutly atheist ;}

SCORPIO [October 23–November 21] Your circumstances aren't as dire as you feared, Scorpio. The freaky monster in the closet is bored with spooking you and will soon be departing the premises. Meanwhile, one of your other tormentors is about to experience some personal sadness that will soften his or her heart toward you. There's more: The paralysis that has been infecting your funny bone will miraculously cure itself, and the scheduled revelation of the rest of your dirty secrets will be summarily canceled. I hope you're not feeling so sorry for yourself that you fail to notice this sudden turn in your luck. It may take an act of will for you to wake up to the new dispensations that are available.

oh, and i'm getting a new tattoo. all my tattoos are telling the same story in stages and my latest tat is really not a happy tattoo, though it's so cute it has people fooled. i'm definitely at the dawn of my new life, not at the sunset of my old life or careening amongst the stars, wondering where i'll land, worrying that i won't.

and it isn't the part of dawn that's barely blue over black, people dragging themselves out of bed and into their coffee pots and hot showers.

it's the part just before the blaze of neon.

humble pie meets extreme hole

poor vincent. poor vincent.

i've been throwing up all morning after i got his e-mail asking me to chill. i'm just ralphing and ralphing and there's nothing to ralph but bile, thick and brown in the pale light of steely-skied dawn.

the more i throw up the more nervous i become and then i e-mail him. the more i e-mail him the angrier i become with myself and the more my stomach hates me...so the more i throw up the more i e-mail him and the more i e-mail him the more i throw up and and and.

i'm just having all kinds of tests run, blood work and stuff, because of the cabbie rape. i'm on medication that had me throwing up in the beginning and again now that i'm scared that the best man i've ever met never wants to see me again.

this sucks. i mean, i knew five minutes into my second date with darryl that it wouldn't last; he told me that ty had every right to tell me i'm not pretty. i tried to explain that ty didn't have the right to say it over and over and over again because i was his friend and didn't want a romance, so he was projecting and hurting my feelings over nothing. darryl scowled and shook his head firmly then looked at me as if to say, "are you stupid?"

if i'd just done what i wanted to, asked him to go home.... you know, if i'd just stood up for myself instead of pretending that i was okay, that it was perfectly normal to listen to men tell me how ugly i am....

damn. poor vincent.

poor ME. i'm going to throw myself a pity party for a minute and say: poor ME. this was my first truly amazing guy...and so brilliant his genius lights up the universe as his smile outglares the day.

it ain't over til the sinews in his forehead sing

that was so weird.

an entire week.

i didn't once call myself anything. not stupid, fat, ugly, a bitch, slut, cunt, whore...worthless, even.

because there was NO MAN TELLING ME ANYTHING CRAZY.

nothing. i did end up shaking so badly in therapy that sarah was really worried. we talked about the difference between sucret--apollo--and the indian guy who hit on me at the midtown bar my friends frequent. it's amazing--the guy was a medical malpractice lawyer but i wanted nothing to do with him. what's amazing is that he's a lawyer. he was enamored with me because i brushed him off but was there with a woman from the office with whom he obviously regularly has sex. i ignored him but my pals refused to believe that he was trying to hit on me even after he stuck a finger down my leg warmer. that pissed me off.

apollo i goosed only because we clearly liked each other.

it was strange wanting to kill myself because apollo treats me really well. sarah and i had a good talk about that. i told her how devastated i am that i was so frightened that although i did absolutely nothing to hurt myself--i didn't even mime cutting, which i started doing a lot after darryl. i mean, not one tiny fucking thing!--i e-mailed and texted apollo a grand total of just under one fucking hundred times over several days.

she thinks that maybe it's fixable. FIXABLE. she says it's not necessarily dead.

gunny sacks, gummi bears and gunning away

mosi, i hurt so much. remember trying to fix my glasses after i broke them to show you i wouldn't listen but all you wanted to say was that you really loved me? that rubber band at least matched the green of my frames.

this hurts even more than you leaving. i got to see, like you wanted, what it would be like to have a man who wants to spend time and money on me...and treat me right. i don't like that it's gone. it's different feeling sad because someone good to me is gone. usually it's guys who hurt me for their own selfish purposes who leave me a wreck. i had mixed feelings about you--let's face it, you weren't that great in the sack ;} i guess marriage to a bean bag will do that. oh, snap, did i just confuse you with susan? i sure hope your little one eats healthy.

maybe i need to leave new york the way i had to leave cincinnati after you. did you ever pick up that puzzle i drew of us and taped to the back of our bench? it was gone when adam went to check for it but was it you? i want to do something very bad right now.

what i can only copy and paste to convey

dear vin,

i'm fairly sure you don't like sarah mclachlan. however, "roxanne" is more an apology from you to me for the life i've had, so deal with it.

Fallen

Heaven bend to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight

Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believe that we could change ourselves
The past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
In the lonely light of morning
In the wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That I've held so dear.

I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

Heaven bend to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turn their heads embarassed
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one missed step
One slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...
[2X]

aurora? apollo? aren't the romans in, well, ruin?

i know i'm ready to take on more than i ever could.
(there's a little death.)
my heart is mad at itself for telling too much.
(the colors of the dawn.)
he has the nicest fingers but i suppose another woman will get them.
(the chariot of gold.)
i like how his eyebrows are built and would kiss his front teeth.
(still i soldier on.)
belanie told me that fear will cost me what i most want.
(he may forgive me.)
i wish i could go back and change last week.
(i love his hands.)
how was i to know i'd be so crushed by his words that i'd crumble?
(he really liked me.)
i never met anybody like him--he's my equal.
(maybe he understands.)
there can never be another mistake like this in my life.
(i never kissed before.)
i bought the sexiest camisole and these really fucking hot panties.
(with such intent.)
they lace up in back and i wish i hadn't taken off the tag.
(without any fear.)
i can't forgive myself--i sent him maybe 50 e-mails in three days.
(to give of myself.)